Have you or a loved one been a little naughty this year? Maybe you had a couple too many drinks during the pandemic. Did that tinder date turn into a night of carnal pleasures? Well, do I have a deal for you!For hundreds of years the Church has sold indulgences in order to help knock a few years off your purgatory sentence. Think of it as a Bail Bondsman for Hell.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes an indulgence as "a remission before God of the temporal punishment due to sins whose guilt has already been forgiven, which the faithful Christian who is duly disposed gains under certain prescribed conditions through the action of the Church which, as the minister of redemption, dispenses and applies with authority the treasury of the satisfactions of Christ and all of the saints.”
Heavy, right? Well, you can receive indulgences by doing things like: praying, fasting, and going to church but who has time for that? So the Church offered them for sale! But who has that kind of cash? Well, so I have a deal for you! Because I’m already a world class heretic, I’m under cutting the competition and selling my very own custom indulgence at a fraction of the other guys price!
For just the low price of 24.95 you can have your sins washed away! This indulgence will provide you with a thousand year reduction of your sentence and they look super cool! Did you commit a ton of sins? That’s okay! Buy a couple. Get some for your friends. I bet even your mom might need one.
Also great for: Toilet paper.
Get your discount indulgence today and start sinning tomorrow! Get out of Hell free or your money back!
(No promise of actual salvation promises, all sales are final.)
DOCUMENT TEXT:
This Indulgence provides for the forgiveness of sins and absolution of allotted time of purgation for those sins. The indulgence provides the holder with a thousand-year reduction of their sentence (equal to a 30-day Facebook ban).
Your absolution is limited to these crimes against God and the Church:
Sodomy (mouth and butt stuff), fornication in general, witchcraft, atheism, drinking, drugs, swearing, gluttony, lust, foot fetishes, jogging on Sundays, missing Thanksgiving because your weird uncle always makes it weird, wearing white after Labor Day, and generally being naughty.
Indulgence does not provide absolution for:
Misgendering, insurrection, murder, ableism, making drag shows illegal, wealth-hoarding, scabbing, attempting to steal an election, or general harm of others in any form. You still go to The Bad Place for that.
DISCLAIMER: This Indulgence is provided by the hand of a known heretic and at a reduced price. Be aware that the potency of this Indulgence may be reduced due to mitigating circumstances surrounding the issuer. This is for entertainment purposes only, and no formal promise of actual reduction of sentencing is implied. Hell is a myth.
Issued by my (once) Holy Hand
Reverend Father Nathan Monk, M. Div